I can't say that I knew it. But I can't say that I didn't either. I'm learning still. It was an experiment really. One where if I lost, I lost big. But if I won... well... I don't know that I fully thought that bit through. I'd never really gone that route before, I'd only gone the losing route. So I knew what happened that way. But I was open to finding out what it might look like to win. And apparently, I cracked that door just enough.
There were days where winning was the only option. I was so steeped in knowing. I was so confident. I was so un-moveable from my position. I'd maintained my strength and my positivity. I really worked at it to a point where it came quite easily. But I'd be lying if I said it didn't feel a bit false at times. And I think that those times were gaining on me.
I continued to keep my chin up, and yet, the water level kept rising. And I kept telling myself that it would be okay. But I hit a point where the water was so high, my head tipped all the way back... my eyes and mouth submerged... only my nostrils left out. I couldn't cry, I couldn't scream. I could get just enough air if I stayed really still. And I was like... oh fuck... I guess I was wrong.
That's where I was... snorting water. I was just barely breathing anymore. My faith was shaken. I resigned myself to losing big. But right when I decided it made no sense to hold my chin up anymore, not only did the water level drop enough to breathe... it disappeared all together. And I was left there, standing, soaking wet, stunned, wondering what the fuck had just happened.
Had there ever even been any water to begin with? Did I imagine that? I was for sure drowning. And now, there is no water in sight? At first I couldn't stop laughing. And then, I couldn't stop crying. I wasn't sad, I wasn't happy. I was just... fucking emotional. There is something to having to hold it all together. There's being strong, and then there's acting strong. They both take a tremendous amount of energy. And I'd been doing an awful lot of both. All of the feelings that I'd not allowed myself to feel, the fear, facing my mortality, what my kids would have to go through on top of what they were already dealing with, all came flooding out of me. It was as though all of that water that I'd been drowning in, somehow was absorbed into my being and was cleansing me of everything that I'd been holding onto. It was awful and wonderful.
I am fucking dumbfounded in an I-fucking-knew-I-could-do-it kind of way. Does that make sense?
Earlier this year, shortly after my marriage and family fell painfully apart, I was diagnosed with breast cancer.
Last week I went for a full body scan intended to find any cancer that may have spread elsewhere.
Today I got the results of that scan. It shows no signs of cancer. Anywhere.
I worked with a holistic practitioner, I minded my diet and I kept my shit positive.
It always seems impossible until its done... isn't that the saying?
I am grateful beyond measure. And I am ready to FUCK.SHIT.UP. (in a good way of course)